Joke Corner

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Only a Jamaican….

A young man call Courtney from Jamaica moves to Miami in 1991 and goes to a big Department shopping complex looking for a job.

 

The manager says, “Courtney do you have any sales experience?' The Jamaican young man says. 'Bossie, mi was a salesman back home on di streets a Kingston .”

 

Well, the boss liked him so he gave him the job. “You start

tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

 

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?”

The Jamaican young man says, “Man, Just ONE sale”

 

The boss says, “ Courtney Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale”. “By the way, how much

was the sale for?”

 

The Jamaican young man says, “$301,237.64”

Boss says, “$301,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”

 

The Jamaican young man: “Bossie, Fus mi sell him one little fish

hook. Den mi sell him a medium size fish hook. Den mi sell him 1

big fish hook.

 

Den mi sell him one fishing rod an sum fishing tings.

 

Den mi ask him whey him a go fishing an him seh dung de coast, so

mi tell him sey him a go want one boat, so we go dung a de boating

department an mi sell him one twin engine Chris Craft.

 

Den him seh him nuh think him Audi Car caan pull it, so mi tek

him dung a wi automotive department an mi sell him di 4X4 Blazer.

 

Then mi ask him whey him a go sleep, an since him neva have nuh

weh, mi tek him dung a di camping department an sell him one a di

new Igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.

 

Then the man seh, while we deh pon it, mi might as well fling in

about a $100.00 wut a groceries and two cases of beer.”

 

The boss said, “Courtney, You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a Boat, a 4x4 truck and a tent?”

 

The Jamaican young man says, “No sah, him com in yah fi buy one box of Tampons fi him wife, and mi seh: Well, since yuh weekend mash

up, yuh might jus as well go ketch fish.”

 

The Three Jamaican Contractors

Three contractors were bidding to fix the fence at Jamaica House. One was from Montego Bay, another from Kingston and the third, from Mandeville.

They went with an official from Jamaica House, to examine the fence.

 

The Mo-Bay contractor takes out a tape measure and does some  measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well,'he says. 'De job gwine run yuh 'bout $90,000: $40,000 fi material, $40,000 fi my crew an' $10,000 profit fi me.'

 

The Mandeville contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do dis job fi $70,000; $30,000 fi material, $30,000 fi  my crew and $10,000 profit fi Mass Me. '

 

The Kingston contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Jamaica House official and whispers: '$270,000. The official, incredulous, observes: 'Yuh didn't even tek measurement like de addah contractah dem! Weh yuh get such a high figgah?' 'Easy man,' the Kingstonian explains, 'Look yah! $100,000 fi you, $100,000 fi me an' we hire de breddah from Mandeville'

 

The Loving Husband

A Jamaican man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.  While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."  The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance."

The Beggar at Long Lane

Every morning John would drive by Long Lane. And every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $10.00.

After a while John started to give the beggar $7.00. The Beggar noticing that his money has been reduced was not too pleased, but said nothing.

 

After a while John started to give the Beggar $5.00. The Beggar noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it.

He stopped John one morning after accepting $5.00 and asked, "What's happening man?" "Yuh used to gimme $10.00, den you cut it down to $7.00 . . . now dis?"

John replied, "Bwoy, time hard. Mi eldest son just start university an' mi daughter is now at High School ... so yuh know how it guh."

 

The beggar looked at him with impatience and asked, "Exactly how many children do you have boss?" "Four" replied John

The now irate beggar asked in a tone of disbelief, "So yuh mean to tell me seh dat is outta fi mi money yuh ah sen'  yuh pickney dem go ah school?"

 

JAMAICAN TRANSLATIONS

 

  ENG: It's been a long time since I have seen you girl.

  JAM: Gal yuh noh dead yet?

 

  ENG: Oh Lord, we have lost electricity again.

  JAM: Lawd Gad current lack aff again to rahtid.

 

  ENG: This meal is not too bad.

  JAM: Di food can eat.

 

  ENG: Where did you buy that awful Bracelet Cindy?

  JAM: A weh yuh buy dat deh big ole ugly bangle deh misis?

 

  ENG: Hors d'heurves

  JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting you a gi me?

 

  ENG: Here kitty kitty... get down from the roof.

  JAM: Hey dutty puss come aff a di house tap!

 

  ENG: I think something is wrong with Susan, she might have the flu.

  JAM: Lawd gad obeah tek up Suzie!

 

  ENG: Oh my God, I just broke mom's expensive plate!

  JAM: Lawd mi gad, mi bruk up mama stoosh crackry!

 

  ENG: aren't those pants a bit short?

  JAM: you did a expect flood or yuh tek yuh measurment inna wata?

 

  ENG: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that?

  JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem.

 

  ENG: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.

  JAM: Aye buff teet bwoy, tap fling up-fling up mi bag dem suh man.

 

  ENG: I wish you would quit lying.

  JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad.

 

  ENG: Lift up the hood of the car for me John.

  JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!

 

  ENG: I am Waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long!

  JAM: But wait, no Robot naah run todey!

 

  ENG: Get me a pop please.

  JAM: Beg yuh carry wan drinks fi mi deh

 

  ENG: It's time for a Perm.

  JAM: Gal yuh head waan Cream, yuh noh si how it tough?

 

  ENG: Yuck!! This is nasty.

  JAM: Kiss mi neck back!! What a sinting tase bad an

 

  ENG: I wish you would close your mouth.

  JAM: yuh mout come in like when grip cyaan shut.

 

  ENG: Girl, your acne is terrible.

  JAM: Massa gad, pickney, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh.

 

  ENG: Please make some room on the bus so this man can have a seat.

  JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung.

 

  ENG: I have a stomach ache.

  JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi.

 

  ENG: These mangoes look a bit over ripe.

  JAM: Missis move fram in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh

 

  ENG: He has very large full eyes.

  JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo

 

  ENG: He has no manners.

  JAM: Him dont have no broughtupsi!

 

  ENG: perspiration odour

  JAM: him smell green

 

  ENG: poached (boiled) chicken

  JAM: dat deh sinting nuh start cook yet

 

  ENG: oh, dear

  JAM:ee-eeeee

 

  ENG: Josh is suffering from Attention Deficit disorder.

  JAM: Di pickeny too dam hard ears!

 

  ENG: He has a touch of Dyslexia.

  JAM: What a bway Dunce sah!

 

  ENG: I need a bottle of Peptobismal...my stomach hurts.

  JAM: Lawd mi coulda do wid a wash out yah now... mi belly bine up.

 

  ENG: That man over there is missing his dentures.

  JAM: Cooh pan dat deh mashmout bredda ova deh soh.

 

  ENG: OH my, your feet are so ashy...

  JAM: yuh foot tuff like aligata back...yuh couldn't rub likkle Cocanatile pon yuh foot dem...

 

 

What if AIR Jamaica was Hijacked by Terrorists…..

Hijacker: Everybody this is a hijack..no body moves or I'll blow up this plane to pieces

Jamaican: Hey Bway siddung an mine a buss yuh rahtid head!

A wi yaad wi a go, an yuh a come blurtnaught talk bout hijack!

 

Hijacker: I am serious ..don't try anything funny Jamaican boy

Jamaican: Blood fyah unu hear di likle maama man a call big man bway ..

 

Crowd: Bax dung di bway bredren ..Im dam outta arda an feisty! Lick im fi six my yout!

A fight ensues.. The flight attendants cheer on. The captain hears the rumble.. he embarks from the cockpit.

 

Captain: Eh-Eh, is what going on in here. Why unu beating up di farrin yout?

Jamaican: Captain di bway noh come talk bout Hijack when im si seh people a try reach Kingston before midnight..

Captain: Hijack?!!!

 

Jamaican: Yes Captain ..im claim seh im a come blow up di plane an rae-rae. An call big man bway afta mi tell im fi siddung..Mi all have a Stone Love dance fi ketch 7:30 tinite, an di bway a try hole up progress!

 

Captain: **KUFF!!!!** Hey lickle pimple face bway yuh Tink yuh can come on ya an tek ova MY rahtid plane. **KUFF** Siddung an quiat yuself before a sail yuh troo di exit door.

Flight Attendants .. if im get up outta dat seat fi di res a di flight, mash up wan a di rum bakkle ina im blastid head! Is why some a unu caan behave unuself dowe eeh ..cho!

 

Crowd: **Applause**.. (Jeering) Serve yuh right! Yuh too tan bad waa come hijack wi plane afta wi serve yuh nice hat mout watering food. Dam brite! Wait til wi lan a Kingston.

Hijacker: Are we there yet ??

 

Jamaican Neighbors

Two Jamaican neighbors living in Florida (in true

yard-style).

One calls the FBI.......

 

The phone rings at FBI Headquarters: "Hello?" 

Hello, is dis di FBI?" 

Yes. What do you want?" 

Mi calling to report mi neighba dem! Dem name

McIntyre, Sah.

Dem a hide marijuana in dem firewood."

This will be noted, Sir." 

Next day, the FBI went over to the McIntyre's

house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept,

break every piece of wood, find

no marijuana, swear at Mr. McIntyre and leave.

 

The phone rings over at McIntyre's house: "Hey,

McIntyre! Did di

FBI dem  come?" 

Yeh Mon!"

"Did dey chop yuh firewood?" 

Yeh Mon, rahtid. Dem chop dem all - mi have nuff

firewood now.

sell some."

Okay, a fi mi turn now. Yuh hafi call dem. A need mi

garden

plowed."

 

 

PJ and Omar

 

 An Old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for PJ Patterson and Omar

Davis to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his

room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and

motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

 

The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and

stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both PJ and Omar

were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during

his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never

given any indication that he   particularly liked either one of them.

 

Finally, PJ asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come

here?"

 

The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus

Died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

 

People know you are Jamaican if ….

 

 1.       You can distinguish between "cocoa-tea" "bush-tea" and "green-tea".

 2.       When someone sympathizes with you, you comment "Yuh tink seh it easy?"

 3.       You point with your lips.

 4.       You can't say "three" or "thing" ... you say "tree" and "ting".

 5.       You say words like Heg (instead of Egg); Hingland (instead of England)

 6.       You give directions with your hands, even if it is in another state.

 7.       You go to parties for the food and drink and then cuss afterwards when the food and drink run out.

 8.       You nod your head upwards to greet someone.

 9.       You always find yourself standing next to plenty of luggage and boxes at the airport.

 10.   When you travel home, you bring an extra suitcase going down, it has

 none of your clothes; returning, it has food. 

 11.   You hate to throw away empty containers as they might come in handy

 for pepper sauce or "green seasonings".

 12.   You have one big pot you call curry pot when you are not even cooking curry.

 13.   You have another pot you called dutch pot.

 14.   You say "bwoy" at the beginning of a sentence and "man" at the end of it.

 15.   You always hang something on your rearview mirror.

 16.   You put pepper sauce on everything for the taste.

 17.   You think eating ackee and saltfish, plaintain and fried

 dumplings are a great morning breakfast.

 18.   You can't go a week without a rice dish.

 19.   You think steak is a waste of good meat; you would rather cut it up

 and stew it with potatoes. 

 20.   You chew and suck out all the marrow from the chicken bone and then pick out your teeth afterwards.

 21.   You save all juices from the cooked meats/chicken to use for flavour for your next dish.

 22.   You wash and rinse plastic utensils and cups that can be used again. 

 23.   You bring home food from a party (enough for your breakfast the next

 morning, your lunch and your dinner!)

 24.   You chew the ice when you finish your drinks. 

 25.   You must put dumplings in all soups.

 26.   You show disapproval by sucking your teeth.

 27.   You have a dishwasher in the house and only use it for special occasions.

 28.   You have a thyme (or mint) bush growing

 

Jamaican Plane Quiz

An French lawyer and a Jamaican man happen to be

sitting next to each other on a long flight to Paris.

The lawyer leans over to him and asks if he would like to play a

fun game. The Jamaican is tired and just wants to take a nap, so

he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a

few winks.

 

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is

really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works . "I ask you a

question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again, the Jamaican politely declines and tries to get some sleep.  The lawyer

figures that since his opponentis a just a Jamaican, he will

easily win the match, so he makes another offer.

 

"Okay, how about this,

If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5,

but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the Jamaican's attention and,

figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless he plays, he

agrees to play the game.

 

The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Jamaican doesn't say a word, reaches in to his

wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the

lawyer.

 

Now, it's the Jamaican's turn. He asks the lawyer

. . "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

 

The lawyer looks at him with a puzzled look. He

takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.

He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and

even the Library of Congress.

 

Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers

and friends  he knows.

All to no avail. After over an hour of searching

for the answer  he finally gives up.

 

He wakes the Jamaican and hands him $500. The

Jamaican  politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to

sleep. The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, and is going

nuts trying to figure it out, is more than a little frustrated!

 

He wakes the Jamaican and asks . .

"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and

comes down with four?"

 

The Jamaican reaches into his wallet, hands the

lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

 You Might Be Jamaican if…

You point with your mouth

You express disgust by hissing your teeth

You 'cut yu yeye' when you are upset with someone

You distinguish between clothes with 'good clothes'(usually clothes)

and 'judging clothes' (clothes u wear out)

 

You don't wear a dress, you wear a frock

You don't wear sneakers, you wear 'boogas'

You refer to fancy shoes at 'boot' (as in "fetch di boot nuh missis!")

You have ever had cold patties and hot drinks for lunch

You refer to all soft drink beverages as 'drinks'

You stir the ice in your drinks to make it colder

You take the ice in your mouth and spit it back into the glass while drinking

You eat the ice loudly when your 'drinks' is finished

You refer to vegetables, yams, green bananas, etc as 'hard food'

You refer to poultry, beef, mutton, pork as 'meat kind'

You strip sugar cane with your teeth

You challenge someone with 'say feh!'

You refer to any traveling distance as "jus' roun' di corner!"

You have a lamp with a 'home sweet home lampshade' somewhere in the house

You never throw any leftover food out, no matter how small the portion

You pronounce the name 'smith' as 'simit'

You derive your words of wisdom from 'miss lou'

You use words twice for emphasis (fool-fool, pyah-pyah, fenke-fenke,

so-so,big-big)

 

You refer to saturday as 'satday day time'

You refer to the lord's day as 'big-big sunday mawnin'

You have ever told a 'horse-dead-cow-fat story'

You instigate a fight by saying 'touch a button!'

You clean the house and have soup for dinner every 'satday day time'

You cannot enjoy sunday dinner without rice & peas

You differentiate between 'spinners' and 'cartwheel dumplings'

You refer to both male and female as 'him'

You call all cute female children 'pretty likkle girl chile!'

You call all rude female children 'facety likkle gal pickney!'

You refer to all stubborn children as 'hard ears pickney!'

You refer to anything of a sexual nature as 'slackness'

You don't go to see a movie, you go to a 'show' or a 'flim show'

You don't develop photographs, you 'clean' them

You refer to any compulsory act by saying 'had was to' (mi had was to

go to di doctor)

 

You have a BOAC bag somewhere in the house

You go to the bathroom to TIDY.

You can't get your "h's" in the right places.

You carry Carib Carbolic soap to the beach.

Your suitcase stinks of the combination of roast breadfruit, ackee,

fish and white rum.

 

You have yellow tint, shag carpeting, 2 crown air fresheners,2 Lion

Kings, 2 nodding dogs and a Garfield in the back of your Lexus.

 

You eat too much and then you feel Clyded.

Somebody asks you the time and you tap your watch and listen to it to

make sure it's working (even if it's digital).

 

Your family's living room set is still upholstered - after 20+ years.

You're male and your name ends in roy (Glenroy, Leroy, Fitzroy,

Ezroy, Delroy, Troy, Gilroy) or ton (Linton, Clinton, Ralston, Welton,

Everton, Barrington)

 

You're a girl and your 'pet name' is Petal, Cute, Rose or Lily

Your nickname is Bunny, Reds, Junior or Frenchie

Your name is Oliver, Clement or Oswald and everyone calls you Tony.

You drive a Legend, a Cressida, a BMW 2002 or any old Beemer, Maxima,

Camry (pre 1994), Accord or Nissan Sentra.

 

You use knife and fork simultaneously.

Your parents don't understand school terms like "grade" or GPA"

Your father asks how old you are.

You meet your half brothers/sisters for the first time in your teens.

You have Dettol, Milo, or Horlicks in your cupboard.

We know nothing of tomorrow, our business is to be good and happy

today.

 

 

The good ol' Jamaican days Let your mind take you back to those days ...

 Let your mind take you back to those days ...

At primary school

- an icy mint was 1 cent

- a fudge was 5 cents

- free vegetable patties

- free cows milk, cherry milk

- free uniform material

 

Walking through the Malls in Constant Spring at

Christmas lighting sparkles.

The song "Arlene a mus'e dream yu deh dream"

Far less crime and poverty

Ring Ding when it was in black and white, or Colgate

Cavity Fighters club.

Sunday Matinee in black and white.

Running between the roller-coaster, tilt-a-whirl,

Scrambler and bumper cars at Coconut Park.

J.O.S. buses.

Paper fifty cents.

 

Hello, my name is Tamara Dobson.. even though you may know me as Cleopatra Jones."

The radio soap opera "Dulcemina". CeeBert.

Topps and Epiphany night clubs.

A.P.I. TV programming, shortly followed by JAMA L- Into the Light.

When splinter was called grass bottle and mirror was looking glass.

When travelling after SIX the only thing to be afraid of was DUPPY

 

When people went to parties to dance with each other and not to cut pose.

When school children looked like scholars.

The Fortunes of Floralee" radio soap opera.

Please ah beggin u sumting for my two children dem mam" ....

Schools Challenge Quiz with Dennis Hall, or Dennis

Hall for that matter.

Fun-For-All video game house.

 

Ina Pine's weather forecasts: Kingston, 85 degrees and

sunny; MontegoBay, 85 degrees and sunny, Negril 85 degrees; Port

Antonio, 85degrees and sunny; Spanish Town, 85 degrees

and sunny; Mandeville, 70 degrees and partly cloudy".

Skateland.

The New Market floods.

Shouting repeatedly at the tuck-shop: "One patty an'

coco-bread an' a box juice an' a drops!", until you were acknowledged.

Buying paradise plum, icy mint, sky juice, suc k-suck

or busta through the fence.

Black Heart man stories.

Anansi and Bredda Tukoma stories.

The Back Tax Axe TV commercials.

Lawd, Ah confused"...."Ello, Carltons.."

Shelly-Ann Jeans: No one can, like Shelly-Ann.

 

When "Roaches" were the shoe fashion; and

"Napoleon" was the hair style of choice for guys (who could grow enough hair);

Big League Football" on Sunday afternoons.

Peter Red and Peter Blue

The revolving Craven 'A' box at Tom Redcam Avenue and

Old Hope Road

The Kentucky 'turtle' building in Cross Roads

Getting up Harry? Yes ma,....... Laaad a feel peckish!!!

when "T" shirt was called ganzee and soda "airated wata"

 

Maskita one, maskita two, maskita jump inna hot callaloo

In the middle of a fight " HOT PATTY ,HOT PATTY box it

nuh if yu brave"

I'm a Horlicks kid, soon I'll be Horlicks big..."

Pass the dutchie pan di lef' han' side...

King Kong kisko pops and cherry milk

"Spider man, spider man, does whatever a spider can"

"Love is all I bring, inna mi khaki suit an ting"-

Uptown Top Ranking

SIGH!!!

 

Three Jamaicans and three Trinidadians

Three Jamaicans and three Trinidadians are traveling by train to a hockey game.

At the station, the three Trinidadians each buy tickets and watch as the three

Jamaicans buy only a single ticket.

 

"How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket? " asks an Trinidadian. "Watch and you'll see, " answers a Jamaican. They all board the train. The Trinidadians take their respective seats but all three Jamaicans cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting

tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please. " The door

opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The

conductor takes it and moves on. The Trinidadians see this and agree it was quite

a clever idea.

 

After the game, they decide to copy the Jamaicans on the return trip and

save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To

their astonishment, the Jamaicans don't buy a ticket at all.

 

"How are you going to travel without a ticket? " asks one perplexed  Trinidadian.

"Watch and you'll see, " answers a Jamaican.

 

When they board the train the three Trinidadians cram into a bathroom and

the three Jamaicans cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train

leaves the station, one of the Jamaicans leaves and walks over to the bathroom

where the Trinidadians are hiding, knocks on the door, and says, "Ticket,

please".

 Di Jamaican, di donkey and di raffle

A man from Kingston moved to the country and bought

a donkey from an old farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

 

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry,

but me have some bad news. The donkey dead."

"Well den, just gi me mi money back."

"Can't do that. Mi spen dat already."

 

"OK, then. Just leave the donkey with me."

"What you a go do wid him?"

"Me a go raffle dat."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Yeh man! Watch me. I just nah tell nobody seh 'im

dead, ok."

 

A month later the farmer met up with the Kingston

man and asked,

"What happen wid dat dead donkey?"

"Dat get raffle off boss. Mi sell 500 ticket fi $2

apiece and mek a

profit of $998."

"Suh nobaddy nuh cuss?"

 

"Ongle di man whey win. So me gi im back im $2"

 

Sunday Sermon

Sunday's sermon  was---Forgive Your Enemies.

Toward the end of the  service, the Minister asked,

"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

 

The Minister then changed his question to "How many of you

will forgive your enemies?"

All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady.

 

"Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."  She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual.  How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell

us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an

enemy in the world?"

The little  sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived all those bitches."

 

Serious Praying - For My Jamaican Friends

1. The Lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuh fi want nutt'n. Ah Him ah

Prevent mi from tell off people everyday.

2. Ah Him ah gimme peace, when so-so madness a gwan roun' mi.

3. Ah Him ah remine mi fi pray and fi do everyting widout complain,

Murmur or kiss mi teet.

4. Ah Him ah remine mi dat ah Him ah mi source, noh mi job, although

lickle more pay woulda nice.

5. Ah Him ah 'top mi from mad a daytime, an' ah guide mi decision dem

So mi can honor Him inna hev'ryting.

6. Ah Him ah prevent mi from shoot up di whole  place, an' tun' all mi

supervisor dem inna duppy, so mi no haffi go ah prison an' live

'mongst ah bag ah teefin man or get heng.

7. Even though mi get one whole heap of e-mail, fool fool deadline fi

Work wid, have some co-worker dem whey a chat mi behine mi back, some big

heediat fi supervisor, an' ah howl body dat kyaan' mek it a morning

time, mi nah give up because Him deh wid mi!

8. Him presence, Him peace, an' Him power ah go si mi through.

9. Ah Him ah raise mi up, even when di heediat dem nah promote mi hard

working self, though mi have three set a degree an' diploma.

10. Ah Him claim mi as fi Him own, even when di company ah threaten fi

fiah mi an' me ah threaten fi light wan fiah an' bun di whole place ah grung.

11. Fi Him faithfulness an' love betta dan any bonus cheque, but yu si

mi, a cheque woulda help out some time.

12. Fi Him retirement plan betta dan every pension plan outta road,

But mek anybady try rob this place yah an yuh see wha 'appen out yah

tiday: Suhmaddy  bettah run to hell!

13. When unnu done talk; Ah Him mi ah go wuk yah fi wan long time.

14. So Tenk Yuh Lord.

Amen!     

 

Life explained...

On the first day God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

I Will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years

and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

 

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain

people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year

Life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I

don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And  God agreed.

 

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to

The field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have

calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of

sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live

for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

And  God agreed again.

 

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, Marry and enjoy your life.

I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty,

and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and

Enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to Support our family;

for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain

The grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

High Tech Jamaican

An American, a Japanese, and a Jamaican were sitting in the sauna.

Suddenly there is a beeping sound.

The American presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at

him questioningly.

"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The Japanese lifts his palm to his ear.

When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip

In my hand."

 

The Jamaican, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone,

decided he had to do something just as impressive.

He steps Out of the sauna and goes to the toilet.

He returns with a piece of Toilet paper.

The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow!

What's that?" "I just sent a Fax," he explains.

Show-off Yardie
Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law
school. He decided to come back to
Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big
Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened
his new law office in New Kingston. The first day, he saw a man coming up
the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this new client
when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He
motioned the man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in
New York that I won't settle
this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to
hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the
other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll
meet with him next week to discuss the details."

The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man,
"I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for
you?"

The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I came
to hook up your phone."

Jamaican Assassin
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists - An American man, a English Man and a Jamaican man.

For the final test, the CIA agents took the American man to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The American said."You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,"
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The English man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried blokes, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the Jamaican's turn. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then they heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Jamaican. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, "Unnuh nevah tell mi di gun was loaded wid blanks.... mi di haffi to beat har to death wid di chair!"

 

Ginnal

 

My Brethren, Ginnal, applied for an engineering position at a Kingston

based firm. A Trini Engineer applied for the same job and both applicants

having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department

manager.

 

Upon completion of the test, the manager went to Ginnal and said, "Thank

you for your interest, but we've decided to give the man from Trinidad the

job."

 

Ginnal asked, "Suh why yu do dat? Boat a wi get nine question rite. Dis is

Jumaika, and me is Jumaikan, a me shudda get de wuk!"

 

The manager said, "We have made our decision, not on the correct answers,

but rather on the question that you both missed."

 

Ginnal asked, "An how in the name of Jesus yu decide sey one wrong answer

betta dan de adda ?"

 

The manager replied, "Simple. The Trini boy put down on question #5, 'I

don't know.' and you put down, 'Me nuh know eda.'"

 

Only A Jamaican
There were three men from the
Caribbean living together in London; a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and

a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming

close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan.

The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine.

When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque.

"But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted.

The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to

cause any trouble...he let the Trini leave.

Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine.

When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food.

"But I paid you!" The Barbadian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan, and

 as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go.

Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on

the menu plus two Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and

before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it.

Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting

any money from them, so........

Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"

 
Joe the New Lawyer
Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend
college and law school. 
He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt
he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he
returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston. 
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway.
He decided to make a big impression on
this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up
the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. 
  
 "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in
New York that I won't settle 
this case for less than one million. Yes, the
Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the
primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.
Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details." 
  
 The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. 
All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay
but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" 
  
 The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone 
company, I came to hook up your phone." 
 
JAMAICAN COURT ROOM
A Jamaican, country prosecuting attorney called
his first witness to the stand in a trail, a
grandmotherly, elderly woman, Miss Ivy.
 
He approached her and asked "Miss Ivy, do you
know me? She responded, "Why, yes me noe yu
Missa Williams. Me know yuh since yu ah young
bwoy an quite frankly, yu a one big
disappointment. Yu lie, yu tief, bokkle and bruk
people shap; yu manipulate
people an talk su-su pan dem behine dem back. Yu
tink say yu a big shat, an yu no noe say yu a go
come to nutten. Dat fool-fool brains yu ave mek
yuh a two-bit papishow, me noe yu - yu liad good
fe nutten ...".
 
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what to do,
he pointed across the room and asked "Miss Ivy,
do you know the defense attorney?". She again
replied, "Why, yes mi do. Mi noe Missa Bradley
since 'im was a bwoy too. Mi use to put on 'im
nappy wen 'im pee it up. An 'im too is a real
disappointment. 'Im lazy, 'im a drunk-areaddy.
'Im law practice is de wos inna de entiya Parish.
Not fe mention 'im cheat pan 'im wife.
Yes, me know 'im".
 
The defense attorney was also surprised and
shocked. At this point, the judge brought the
courtroom to silence, called both counselors to
the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If
any a oonu ask har if she noe me, oonu a go a jail
fe contempt."
  

Jamaican Romeo & Juliet

Romie looking exasperated threw one more pebble at the window. His frustration mounts and his patience is wearing thin)

Romie: Cho. Mi tell dis girl say me a come over after mi done play ball and she must leave di winda open and now she nuh deh yah. Mi is a man can't tek badderation enuh. A what time now (peers at fake Rolex). Rahtid, half past nine. (Whispers loudly) Jules! Jules! Wait deh, see her light come on deh. Jules!

Julie: ( come to window half asleep) Romie? Romie? Wherefore art yuh deh? Oh baby. Deny yuh Puppa and refuse yuh name. And if yuh no want do that, swear say yuh love me 'cause I no longer want to be a Johnson.

Romie: (aside) Bwoy, this gal yah can chat yuh see man! My time fi talk now, give me a chance.

Julie: Is only yuh name me no like, Romie. What kind a last name you have, McIntyre? It sound like a burger in a car tire. Is not your hand, or yuh, foot, or yuh arm or yuh face that bother me (well, yuh face bother mi sometime), but is yuh name. Yuh know say, the Johnson dem nuh like the McIntyre dem and if mi father ketch yuh over yah him limb up yuh warra-it. But what's in a name, my sweet Rom-Rom. Mi no care bout yuh name. If yuh call a rose by any other name it will smell just as sweet. Nuh true.

Romie: Yuh a hear mi Jules, mi can't take this foolishness no more. Big man haffi a hide and come check yuh a night time like a some punk. But mi a tell yuh the truth, anything mi can do fi wi stay together, mi will do. If mi haffi change mi name mi wi do that. (shouts) From now on mi no name McIntyre no more!

Julie: Shhhhh! Mi parents dem a sleep. No matter what yuh say yuh can't change the fact that yuh come from McIntyre breed. And yuh better tek time talk, yuh no 'fraid a mi bredda dem?

Romie: Jules, yuh more dangerous to me than all a fi dem cutlass and pick-ax. When a man check fi a woman yuh no know say it easy fi she hurt him.

Julie: Still, yuh better hope nobody no wake up. By the way, is how yuh get past the dog?

Romie: Who, dah punk deh? Mi just gi him a piece a saltfish wha' mi buy dung a Buddy shop. All tomorrow him still a chaw dat.

Julie: Well, is why yuh decide fi come over here tonight, knowing how mi people dem nuh like yuh.

Romie: (kneels on the ground) Well mi not even know how fi say this but mi love mi car, mi love mi bike, mi love mi money and ting but most of all me love mi Browning" (wipes away a tear) Is de fus ina mi life man have feelings fi cry. Yuh know yuh a mi Fresh Vegetable and mi no stop cry fi yuh.

Julie: (starts to cry too) Oh that's so sweet, but first of all, yuh no have no car and the only transportation yuh have is the piece a bruck up fix-wheel bicycle yuh grandfather gi yuh. But mi still love yuh anyway. But "baby are you up for this, to give me all that loving so that I can turn and twist.."

Romie: Is how yuh a diss me so?

Julie: (giggles) A joke mi a mek (she turns away startled) Romie! Somebody a come, yuh better gwan before dem ketch yuh over here! Call me a work tomorrow y'hear. Bye love. (she ducks inside).

Romie: (whistling softly as he walks by the dog gnawing on a tough piece of saltfish) " dem a go tired fi see mi face… "

 

Jamaican Directions
I was trying to find my dressmaker, and asked someone on the street for directions.
This is what she told me:

"Tek a red and white mini-bus to Parade, den walk til yu reach de patty
stand on Bruk-Down carner. Hask de gentleman deh how yu fi reach de lady
wha mek de high culcha frock dem. Him will send yu to Miss Edna (she haf
a likkle fry fish shop further down), and is her cousin who live near de street where Maas One-Yeye stop. Is fi him girlfren niece who know de address of the guy wha live near to de chile wha wok at de butike, and is her bwoyfren wha haf de motor bike. After yu reach Lik-Me-Down carner, tun right till yu come to de yard wid de four bad mongrel dawg dem.

(Fling stone after dem and dem will run whey). Knock pon de winda five time and Miss
Eliza will come. (Memba fi keep two stone inna fi yu han case de dawg dem
cum back). Miss Liza will tell yu how fi reach de guy wid de motor bike.

Him is a nice bwoy; jus give him a smalls and him will carry yu safe. But
hole on tight cause him young and him drive fas'. Him don't haf him licence
yet, so if yu see de police dem, jump offa de bike. Him will tek yu to Drop-Dead
gully - it not too wide - jus jump ovah and mine yu no bruk yu foot, den
tun lef', and yu see de shop. It easy; yu caan miss it."

 

Jamaican Bus T'ief
Trevor and Tony are walking home from Greater Portmore to
Waterford after a night of drinking. They have no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot. Trevor has an idea and says to Tony: "Go in deh and tief a bus so we can drive home and mi wi stay out ya and watch out fi di police". Tony duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Trevor is wondering what the hell he is doing so long. Eventually Trevor sticks his head around the wall and sees Tony running from bus to bus and looking very worried. "What di hell you a do Tony, move it!" to which Tony replies "Mi caan find a Waterford bus anywhere Trevor!" Where upon Trevor, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "Yu stupid idiot Tony, jus tief a downtown bus and mek wi get off at di T-Junction and walk di rest of di way!"

Had the Titanic left Jamaican waters!
The Titanic was about to set sail from Old harbor with hundreds aboard.
Fitzroy Brown said his goodbye to his wifie ' Awright baby Love ..tek care til mi come back yuh hear, yuh done know sey when mi reach a Englan' an get mi paypas straight mi wi sen fi yuh soh wi can live nice seen'

Wifie: OK mi love, tek care and mine yuh drown a sea, if mi hear sey yuh drown a gwine kill yuh, and Fitzroy memba fi sen dung some trang English pound fi mi an di pickney dem.

Later that evening on board, the lower deck was pack filled with a massive crowd packed in like sardines. Some were nodding to the heavy base rydym as DJ Daag Heart spin di wickedest tunes on the "Sea Love" sound system. The "deckhall" crew was partying like it was 1949. The ship was owned an operated by Pot-head. The ship's Captain was preoccupied with kissing up to the big spenders on the ship.

'Hi Madam Portia Simpson, yuh looking lovely wid all dem gold a glisten roun yuh neck dowe an a soh yuh fat an rosey'.
' Hey PJ, let's keep our fingers cross, no riots and deck blocks on the ship so far ah? (wink, wink)

PJ: Dat is because a don't announce di fare increase yet.. but I will have Omar deal wid dat lata.

At the controls on the upper deck were SAMMY and RUPERT. Both had been drinking Guinness stout to keep awake as evident by the empty bottles rolling back and forth on the floor.
SAMMY: Di Blouze Naught place cold eeh Rasta ...kiss mi neck!
RUPERT: Yuh tink a joke ..if mi teet dem noh tap rakkle ..mi boun' fi loose all 13 a dem
SAMMY: A wonda how far wi deh now.. wi noh suppose to soon reach Englan'.. How much a'clack yuh have boss?
RUPERT: Half pass ten and wi tell di port autorities dem sey di ship suppose to dock roun
9:30..but wi noh too late ..9:30 is ?bout 11:30 Jamaican time.. soh wi pon track sed way.
SAMMY: A wha dat ova deyso ina di wata Rupert? (pointing)
RUPERT: Dah big sinting dey? ..It look like a one oversize snow cone. A wonda a wah?
SAMMY: Mi noh too sure but a one rahtid ugly looking sinting..yow mi a go ding di Captain. (He radios) Captain
Barkley ..one snow cone ina di way sar.what is we to do..'hova han hout '
CAPTAIN: Bwaay a weh yuh a tell mi sey? Snow cone? Ina sea?
SAMMY: Come look pan it den noh sar.. afta mi noh know a what it is sar.
The Captain appeared on deck and upon seeing the culprit he yelled: Kiss mi false teet! ICEBERG ICEBERG!!! BLOW DI HARN, BLOW DI HARN!!
RUPERT: But if a iceberg sar, what blowing di harn gwine do..It nat gwine move outa di way!
CAPTAIN: Bwaay don't back ansa mi, mi seh BLOW DI HARN! ..so he did as told
SAMMY: Captain Barkley mi have a betta idea sah.. why wi noh jus lock up di steering wheel and cock di ship pan di side.
CAPTAIN: Awright do yu bes and mek sure yuh noh lick up mi ship pan dah sinting deh cause it noh insure an memba seh unu a navigate unda suspended license so do - tek unu time.

Sammy and Rupert worked hard locking the steering to the right. The ship was by now sailing on the side and the passengers all fell on top of each other  Some panicked: 'Oye Driva Tek time roun di carna noh man. Try yuh bbes jus let mi aff, mek mi ketch aneda ship before yuh kill mi inya'

Meanwhile, on the deck the three men watched in horror as the ship came dangerously close to the iceberg. The Captain trembled: 'Eternal fada bless our land.. RUPERT and SAMMY unu sey a likkle praya caus wi bout fi pinnie walli up inyah.

SAMMY: Jus res yuh foot Capn', wi dun safe .wi a go mek it man .. a years mi a drive ship! And so as Sammy predicted, the ship cleared the iceberg.
RUPERT: Respec! ..what a wicked one wheelie dat was.. kiss mi neck! Di Captn peepi im pants! They all laughed and hugged and touched fists as a sign of relief.
The CAPTAIN spoke in the intercom: Ladies an genklemen ,dis is your Captain speaking we about to land ..a mean about to dock in about anodda half hour. Sit tightly and tank unu for sailing the Titanic..your continued patronage is always welcome.

 

Half eediat, full eediat
Some men were working on a construction site. The job for the day was to carry building blocks from a delivery truck parked on the road to the place on the site they would be laid. All the men not wishing to strain themselves - especially their backs - were carrying two blocks each - well almost all. One 'gladdis' who was always trying to impress the boss, face contorted with effort, staggered around the corner with six bricks, nearly colliding with a co-worker. After the job was finished, the co-worker said to the 'six-block-man': "Tell me John, you is 32 years old, no true?". Surprised, John replied: "Fi real, Killa, de man have judgement star”. How yuh guess dat?" "A no guess mi guess," Killa declared, "Is simple Maths." "Wha' kine a Maths inna dat?" John demanded. "Well", Killa replied, "me have a bredda whe is 16 year ole an im is a half eediat, so if yu a carry 6 brick one time yuh is a full eediat!!"

Mi waan go Jeopardy now!!
A man went to a travel agency in a panic, demanding that the travel agent write him a ticket to jeopardy, as he needed to get there ASAP 
(As Soon As Possible). Thinking that she had not heard the man correctly, the lady asked him to repeat his proposed destination, to which he
replied: 'lady, mi hah fi get to Jeopardy'. The agent, still feeling quite perplexed by the man's request yet noting his agitated state, decided to
search her airline computers on the chance that she may find such a listing, but her fears were soon realized when the computer came up with
a blank as an answer. Her attempts to scan the Official Airline Guide for a routing proved futile also and by this time the man had begun to pace
the floor. "Sir", the agent beckoned to the man, "I have exhausted all my contacts and cannot find this 'Jeopardy' that you say you must get to.
Are you absolutely sure you have the correct name?" she enquired in exasperation as the man came to sit by her. "Lady", he replied, "Mi hear 
over the radio that over 5000 jobs will be in JEOPARDY an' a deh mi waan fi go!"
 
A Jamaican Love Poem 
You're the ackee in my saltfish 
Condensed milk in my tea 
The patty in my coco bread 
Without you there is no me.
Just like coconut water
You're good for my heart 
And Mr.Wray without his nephew
Is like when we are apart. 
When you wrap your arms around me
Like banana leaf on blue draaws
There is nothing I wouldnt do for you 
You know that im all yours.
I want to be with you always 
Like when tin milk get short 
An dem marry it with it to de mackerel to make sure de mackerel get bought.
Like carrot juice on Sunday 
Mango in the summertime 
I cant get enough of you
Please tell me you will be mine. 
 
A Rastaman 
A Rastaman went to visit an old family friend. The Rastaman knock pon di door and smaddy inside seh: " a who dat?" 
The rastaman said: " It is I and I, Jah Rastafari, Kings of kings, Lord of lords, conquering lion of the tribe of Judah, son of Haile Selassie I" .
The person inside replied: " A me one dey yah and mi nah open mi door fi so much a oonu". 
 
Mix Up! 
Lecturer: Use the words: 'defence','defeat' and 'detail' to make a complete sentence. 
BA Student: Di dawg jump over de fence and de feet went before de tail. 
 
ONLY IN JAMAICA. 
-citizens have to protect police from gunman. 
-you will have police cars parked at rum bars. 
-girls fat up themselves with fowl pill and bleach out them skin with toothpaste. 
-country people a carry water and wood pon dem head and cell phone pon dem waist. 
-the more mess politician mek is the more pay dem get. 
-you have bicycle-by shootings.
-police go to arrest tief and dont have a handcuff. 
-is the greatest tourist attraction: RENT A DREAD! 
-traffic is so bad dat you reach work quicker walking than driving. 
-firefighter reach di fire scene and have no water to out the fire. 
 
You know you are in Jamaica when you have a pothole so big when you drop in, you caan come out. 
Nowhere else in the world could you go and find such peace and contentment wid so much madness and confusion at the same time.
 
The Car Crash

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Tragically, three Jamaican friends die in a car crash a doctor,a teacher and a

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
hotelier, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Before being allowed to enter, they are each asked a

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
question by St. Peter. "When you are in your casket, and friends

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
about you?" asked St. Peter.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The doctor answered, "I would like to hear them say that I was a

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
great doctor and I took care of all my children"

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The teacher said, "I would like to hear that I was a

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
difference in children's lives.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The hotelier replied, "I would like to hear them say,

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
"RAHTID! HIM A MOVE!!!!'"
 
Diary of a jamaican who just moved to South Dakota, USA 
October 8th 
  We have arrived in America!!! Finally! This marks a new chapter in our lives. 
It's very nice here. It's a little cool, but who needs HOT weather? This is perfect ... not too hot, not too cold. 
 
October 15th
  It is getting a little cooler, but we are adjusting. We bought some sweaters today and went
for a short walk. Loving America!!! This is what life's all about.
 
October 30th 
  The weather is definitely cooler now. We taped all the windows shut, so cold 
air cannot creep in... Outside may be cold, but it feels like Jamaica in this house.  
 
November 11th
 The news reports say snow is on the way ... we cannot wait!!! We have never seen snow and it should be pretty exciting
to see it for the first time.
 
November 14th  
 Started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snow we have ever seen.
The wife cooked buttered buns and we sat by the window watching soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground.
Could never do anything like this in Jamaica. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT!!!  
 
November 15th
  We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. 
What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered like a beautiful white
mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and loved it. I did both our driveway and sidewalk. 
Later, the city snow plow came along and accidentally covered up the front of our driveway with compacted snow from the street. 
The driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shoveled again. 
Americans are so friendly!
 
November 18th
  It snowed an additional twelve inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around four degrees. The cold weather is not so bad... we
can take this, not at all as bad as we imagined. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our
driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.
 
November 19th
  Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice again.
Bought snow tires for both cars. I slipped and fell on my "batty" in the driveway, 
paid $130 for the chiropractor, but fortunately nothing was broken. 
More snow and ice expected. 
 
November 20th
  Still cold. Sold my wife's BMW and bought a 4x4 in order to get to work. 
 
November 21st
  On my way to work, the 4x4 skidded into the guardrail and did considerable damage to
the right fender. We had another 15 inches of white stuff last night. The
vehicle is covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me again. 
Di damn snowplow man cova up de mout a mi driveway again. Watch me an' him! 
 
November 22nd  
 Blouse and skirt ... the first heating bill just come! A how the hell it come to so much???  
 
November 30th
  A two tinkin degrees out a door! And more rahtid snow de pon de way. Not a tree or shrub ina di yawd whe no get damage.
De power off most of the night. Wi try to keep from freezing to death wid candles and kerosene heater, but the heater tip over
an' nearly bun dung the damn house. Mi manage to put out the flames, but end up wid second degree burns pan mi hands, bun off 
mi yeyebrow and yeyelash dem. Den de car slide pan de dutty white sinting (again!) on the way to the hospital and wi haffi write it off.
 
December 5th
 Rahtid... dis snow yah nuh out fi stop??? Di ting keep coming down! Mi affi put on all a di clothes wey mi own just fi go out to di damn mailbox.
If I ever catch di bitch wey drive di rahtid snowplow yuh see, I gwine mek him mumma feel it. Me really think sey 'im hide round di corner and wait
'til me done shovel, den come down the street fast fast and cover up mi driveway again. Wicked nuh blow wow!!!  
 
December 10th  
 The power still off, the toilette freeze up an some part a di roof look like it out fi cave in.  
 
 December 15th
  Eleven more Rahtid inches a snow an' ice!!!!!!!!!! Jah know.. dis no right. 
Mi mash up di snowplow wid mi pick ax, but the driva get weh.
 
  December 18th
The Damn car won't start and mi tink mi ah go snow-blind. Mi caan feel mi toe dem and mi nuh see the sun fi weeks!!!! An' guess wha?
The weatherman ah predict more snow!!!!!!!! Meck him kirrout!!! The wind chill is 30 tinkin degrees below zero!! 
 
December 22  
 Me a move back to Jamaica teday 'cause dis place yah a go kill mi!!!!
If me can ketch a flight, at least mi will reach just in time fi Christmas dung a yard.
 'Merica a nuh fi everybody!!!!

Glad to meet the Devil
This woman had a husband who had come home drunk every payday. He had to walk past a graveyard to reach home. She decided to scare him out of his bad ways so one payday she put a white sheet over herself and hid in the graveyard. As he was passing she jumped out into the road and at the top of her voice shouted: "Ahoooooooo! Ahoooooooo!". Staggering and with slurred speech the man peered at the figure and said: "Who the hell is that?" "I am the devil", she replied. The man smiled broadly and advanced with hand outstretched: "Damned pleased to meet you. I'm Harold Jones. I married your sister."

All a u life...
A pastor visiting from England asked a Jamaican dread to carry him fishing one day. Before beginning their journey the pastor asked if the dread prayed. "No iyah, man no fi pray", replied the dread. "Quarter of you life gone my brother, quarter of you life gaun", answered the pastor and they took off on the dread's boat. At lunchtime the pastor took out his lunch to eat and asked the dread if he ate pork. "No iyah, man nuh fi eat pork", replied the dread. "Hauf of you life gone my brother, hauf of you life gaun", answered the pastor in return. After a while the boat developed problems and started to sink. The dread asked the pastor: "Can you swim?" The pastor replied: "No I can't swim". To this the dread said (feigning the English accent): "Well...whole of your life gaun my brother, whole of your life gone!"

Firing Squad Mishap
Three men, a Jamaican, a Trinidadian and a Barbadian were given death sentences and scheduled to be shot at dawn. The firing squad assembled and the Barbadian was the first to face them. He thought furiously how he could save his life, and as the command : "Ready, aim..." was given he shouted "Earthquake!". Terrified at such a natural disaster, the firing squad ran away and the Barbadian escaped. When the Trinidadian's turn came, after "Ready, aim..." he shouted "Hurricane!". Again the firing squad was terrified and ran away and he escaped. The Jamaican smiled as he was led to the execution spot; he was sure he would escape. As the command "Ready, aim..." was given, with a broad grin he shouted: "Fire!"

Danke like yuh puppa!
A certain staff member at a tourist resort had just started learning German and had been told to practice as much orally as possible. The staff member decided to start practising with a co-worker who had absolutely no knowledge of the language. The co-worker did a good deed one day and, in reply, the German practicer said politely "DANKE" (which means 'thank you'). The co-worker, shocked, replied loudly and defensively: "Donkey like yuh pupa!"

Jah will save me
A small village some miles away experienced heavy rains. A rastafarian's home was flooded out. On the roof the rastafarian prayed to Jah to save him. Feeling sure that his prayer would be answered he waited patiently. After a few minutes some men came in a boat and asked him if he needed help. To this he replied: "Jah will save I and I." So the boat left. A few minutes passed then a plane came to aid the dread followed by a helicopter, and each time the Ras replied: "Jah will save di I."
Alas, the Ras drowned. When he was resurrected and met Jah in heaven he asked: "Jah, why yuh mek mi drown? You never hear mi prayer?"
"Of course mi hear, dat is why mi send boat, plane and helicopter fi yuh."

Ina De Pool
One day dis rich man was having a party at him yard.
Him was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house pon di hills, drugs,girls, cars, planes; anything him wanted. Dis man was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles.
So there he was, him and him fren dem, all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to de pool.
Den him get up pon di lifegard tower and all him fren dem look up.
Him call for silence and says "OK, the first person fi swim cross mi pool will get all mi money." Nobody nuh move. Him look ova di crowd, draw pon him joint and says "OK, di first person fi swim cross mi pool gets all mi money and mi house." Still nobody nuh move.
"OK den, the first person fi swims across mi pool gets all mi money, mi house and all mi cars and planes." Still, nobody nuh move, not even a eye blink dis time.
"OK den, all mi money, mi house, all mi cars, all mi planes, all the dope yuh can handle, all mi property, all mi stocks and bonds and investments and all di girls yuh can handle; everyting mi own." "Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but him roll ova like Tarzan, him all over di place, fighting and dodging. Finally him get outta di pool on the other side. Di rich man on di tower jumps down and runs over to him. "Hey man, dat was incredible! I neva thought that mi woulda ever see dat done.
Yuh want di money now or latah?"
"Ah don't want di money."
"Yuh want di house now or latah?"
"Ah don't want di house."
"Yuh want di cars and planes now or latah?"
"Ah don't wand the cars or di planes."
"Yuh want di bonds, stocks and stuff now or latah?"
"Ah don't want none ah dat."
"Yuh want di girls now or latah?" "Ah don't want di girls."
Di rich man look pon him and seh "Woh what de hell yuh want?!?!"
"Ah want di owl eediat who push me inna di pool."

Go back to the $20 ears
Tony was sitting in a crowded bar when Bobby, a 'friend' of his who was always broke, approached him and whispered in his left ear: "Tony, beg yuh a $20 nuh?" Tony, pretending to be hard of hearing, said: "Whe yu seh? Ah caan hear yuh?"
Bobby repeated: "Beg yuh a $20 nuh?" Tony pretended to be still unable to hear. Bobby then went around to Tony's right ear and said: "Begyuh a $50 nuh?"
Tony replied: "Boss, ah beg yuh go back to de $20 ears!"

How Manley found Jamaica
Fidel Castro of
Cuba, Maurice Bishop of Grenada and Michael Manley of Jamaica were returning from a meeting with Mikael Gorbachev in Moscow in the late 1970s. However, there was a powercut over the entire Caribbean, so the pilot of the plane they were in could not identify which country they were over so the plane could land.

The three leaders reassured him that they could identify their respective nations, as long as he opened a window. This the pilot immediately did. After flying for a while, Castro shouted: "Si! This is my beloved
Cuba. I smell the sugar!" The pilot then located the landing strip, let off Castro and took off again. Bishop then erupted: "There she is, my spice island. Smell that nutmeg!" The pilot landed, let off Bishop and took off again, with only Manley on board. "What about you sir?", he enquired, "How are you going to identify your country?" "Everything is under control" Manley replied. He then stuck his hand with a $50,000 gold watch outside the window. When he took it back in, the watch was gone. "We're over Jamaica!" he announced.

Mango tree stoning
Two men were stoning a mango tree, trying to hit down a large mango right in the top, when one said to the other: "All de stone we a stone, suppose de mango no ripe?"
"True," said his friend, "Check it out nuh."
The first man then climbed the tree, went way to the top where the limbs were dangerously thin, felt the mango and came back down.
"It ripe," he said to his friend. "We naa fling stone fi nutten man." They then began to stone the mango tree again.

Jamaicans in heaven and hell

St. Peter came to the Lord and said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we have affirmative action and we are supposed to have 20,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are causing so many problems!

They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them. They have stolen my horn. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes. Drumpan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only one wing because they are "styling". Angels must have two wings to fly!

The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they arrived because they don't do "day's work". Many who came here because they used salt are still using it because they don't like "ital" food. Some have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean. Some refuse to wear their halos because they don't fit right over their hairstyles. Reggae music is blasted at all hours of night at their "bashments", disturbing all the other residents. They have planted marijuana in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile.

What should I do?!" The Lord said, "It wouldn't be fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here as other nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with them; maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone who has more experience dealing with them. Let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone and said, "Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?" The Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you about it." The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to put you on hold." The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said, "Well, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here." Once again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes. Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said, "Lord, I am really sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damm Jamaicans down here ... They have just put out the fire!"

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